Dating a Widow(er)

The dating world can be difficult to re-enter after losing a spouse. If you’re a widow(er), or you’re dating someone who has grieved the loss of a life partner, lifeandlovestyle have some advice and wisdom to share on the subject of dating after loss.

Dating Again

Each person and situation is unique. Some are ready to date again shortly after their partner dies. Others need more time. What is perhaps most important is that the widow(er) is comfortable with the timeline and isn’t reentering the dating world because of the outside pressure to “get back out there.”

Not Ready?

Patience is key. For a widow(er) to be ready to enter a new relationship, he/she has to feel comfortable looking past their grief and focusing on loving a new individual. If the photos can’t come down, or the reminiscing is constant and weepy, more time is needed.

The Comparison Game

It’s a reasonable concern, worrying that a widow(er) will compare the next relationship to the one that came to a tragic end. Keep in mind that it’s human nature to compare every relationship to a previous one, but that not every comparison is a bad one. If you’re feeling insecure about not living up to someone else’s legacy, be honest and vulnerable with your partner.

Ask questions, listen carefully, and don’t come to conclusions about the deceased spouse or the previous relationship. The deceased spouse wasn’t perfect; comparing yourself to an image of a saint isn’t fair to either of you. If the new relationship is a healthy one, it will develop into a unique one, independent of the person who came before.

What You Need To Know

If you’re dating a widow(er), be sensitive to where he/she is coming from. There may be tears and a period of adjustment as you date. Don’t make assumptions about where the widow(er) is at. The “kid gloves” treatment isn’t fair to someone who wants to pursue a real relationship.

Ask questions and provide a safe space for him/her to be honest with you. It’s important to remember that a lost spouse will always be loved, even as the widow(er) moves on to a new relationship. Pain will come and go as your date grieves. Asking, “How can I be there for you?” and offering a shoulder to cry on will put him/her at ease when overwhelmed with emotion.

Unique Challenge: Family

Dating a widow(er) will often present unique circumstances not prevalent in other dating relationships. We have the case of the “non-standard” family dynamics: their in-laws may still be part of their life, often permanently so. When someone dies, multiple people grieve and often bond in that grief.

Remember that there may be in-laws and children with opinions about the widow(er) dating again. While the person may be ready to date, their family might take some time to adjust to the idea.

Is Finding Love Again Possible?

“Emphatically yes.” Love isn’t a one-time-only deal. If you’ve lost one love of your life, know that you’re not limited to bittersweet memories. Just as your heart has room to deeply love more than one child, you’ll learn to love someone new for who he/she is in a relationship that’s unique to the two of you. Your new love won’t negate the past; instead, the love lessons learned in your first marriage might make the new relationship stronger.