1.
Think
through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary,
within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes
seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and
probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while,
but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted
for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better
sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much
clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough
to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can
identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
2
Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision,
keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your
partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same
token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was
not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship,
convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that
maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just
how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game
with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
3.
Keep your space. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends,
break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not
seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no
e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a
permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a
purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back
together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see
him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the
past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it
will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to
deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers,
etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such
calls/meetings short and civil.
4.
Cope with
the pain appropriately. It's okay to feel like you have messed up -
accepting responsibility
for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also
accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not
the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely
natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.
5.
Deal with the hate phase. This is when you want to just scream
because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how
antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to
make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may
realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed
to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but
let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself
apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many
positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel
good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still
lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a
good thing.
